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Shrink-wrapped oranges are not the only fruit...

There's the odd rotten pear.

I had been wondering why the once funny and down-to-earth Jeanette Winterson had lost her touch. I now learn that she is stepping out with dreary psychobabbler Susie Orbach.

This may turn out to be Winterson's banana skin. I don't trust thin people who make money writing about fat people; I don't trust "feminists" who give themselves the girlishly twee name "Susie", and I certainly don't trust shrinks. Look what happened to John Cleese when he got his head read - boring as hell.

Dull people should pair off together, but they rarely do. Instead, the dullard latches onto an interesting person, the dullness prevails and the number of dullards is doubled.

What a lemon - and not a melon between them.