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Thursday, 9 August 2007
Physicians? Derb Reference
[Always on the lookout for innovations in the world of science to bring before my readers, I am of course a subscriber to that indispensable compendium of pharmacological data, The Physicians’ Desk Reference. Combing through the pages of the latest edition of this classic, I note the following new products to emerge from the labs of our pharmaceutical companies — the world’s best!]

(uranium caliphate)
Description: Mild psychedelic, enhances out-of-body and religious experiences.
Indications and Usage: Ahmadinezam is indicated where attempted transplant of foreign tissue has been rejected. It has also proven effective in the symptomatic relief of excessive rationality.
Contraindications: Ahmadinezam is mildly radioactive (~100kBq/g) and should be handled with care.
Adverse Reactions: The most pronounced adverse reaction, observed in approx. 10 percent of cases on clinical trial, was moderate dwarfism. Also observed at low to medium frequencies (2-5 percent): strabismus, facial rash (resulting, for male subjects, in inability to shave), loss of some highly specific motor functions (e.g. ability to knot necktie).

Barax (obamalic articulate)
Description: Regulates melanin production.
Indications and Usage: Effective with patients suffering from chronic situational dermatochromal anxiety — i.e. self-perception as “not black enough” when among African Americans yet “too black” when among other groups. Barax induces a “chameleon effect” — increased/decreased melanin production corresponding to perceived average shade of nearby persons.
Contraindications: Barax is contraindicated in patients with non-health-threatening anxiety levels and should not be prescribed for patients with well-established perceptions of their own racial identity.
Adverse Reactions: May cause severe mood swings, from amiable passivity to sudden aggression.

Bimborol (lohanafil)
Description: Aging accelerant.
Indications and Usage: Cosmetic medication. May be prescribed for female patients who, on a voluntary basis, wish to advance speedily from cute preteen appearance to the “burned out” look of late middle age. In suitable patients, with precisely regular dosage, the normal 30-year freckled-moppet-to-raddled-hag transition can be accomplished in as little as 2-3 years.
Contraindications: Bimborol is contraindicated in patients with weak self-control, poor selection of companions, history of drug dependency, and more money than sense.
Adverse Reactions: In clinical trials there were some cases of insomnia, loss of work discipline, and automotive compulsion.

Fredopan (loranorda sublimate)
Description: Maxillary enhancer.
Indications and Usage: Cosmetic medication, successful in treatment of males with receding or pointed chin/jaw-line. Careful application over 6-8 months brings out the square-jawed “magisterial” look favored for certain movie/TV screen roles.
Contraindications: Strongly contraindicated in patients displaying jaylenoid symptoms.
Adverse Reactions: Chronic procrastination and loss of decision-making power.

Daylaboral (latinosin)
Description: Diversity enhancer, wage suppressant, neighborhood trasher.
Indications and Usage: Daylaboral is indicated for the management of elevated wage levels and excessive homogeneity (“whitebread syndrome”). Dosages must be localized and carefully controlled (see Adverse Reactions). Because of a tendency to form unsightly concentrations at night and in early mornings, Daylaboral should not be injected into regions with >500K mean property values.
Contraindications. Daylaboral should not be given to patients taking Ludobsostat.
Adverse Reactions: Uncontrolled dosages may lead to selective systemic failure (schools, hospitals, law enforcement) and elevated populism. Incidents of dorsal hydration, formerly associated with Daylaboral, appear to have declined.

Derbadrine (anglocentrous dumanglumium)
Description: Depressant, antieuphoric.
Indications and Usage: For treatment of euphoria, excessive optimism, religious enthusiasm, and dogged political loyalty.
Contraindications: Derbadrine is contraindicated in patients with low energy levels, depressive/suicidal or alcoholic tendencies, cynicism, reductionism, weak political or religious attachments, or difficulty in maintaining regular employment.
Adverse Reactions: Obsessive-compulsive writing at great length on trivial or highly abstract (e.g. mathematical) topics. Occasional prolonged spasms of utterly nonproductive activity (e.g. treehouse building). Excessive drinking. Homophobia. Sinogynephilia. Poverty.

Hillariphen (distillate of rodhamite)
Description: Attention enhancer.
Indications and Usage: Normally to be prescribed for patients whose work requires regular spells of intense concentration and self-control, e.g. bomb disposal work, attorneys in fiercely adversarial courtroom confrontations, etc.
Contraindications: Hillariphen is strongly contraindicated in patients with low temperature and/or metabolic rate, who may experience freezing of body fluids and consequent immobility.
Adverse Reactions: Some instances of exophthalmia, buccal hypertrophy, and thickening of extremities were observed in clinical trials.

Islamec (cairolsuya)
Description: Stimulant, mood intensifier, diversity enhancer.
Indications and Usage: Highly effective in treatment of tolerance, social equality, rational economics, freedom of worship, and peace.
Contraindications: Contraindicated in female and homosexual patients. Very strongly contraindicated in Jewish patients.
Adverse Reactions: Clinical trials in regions where Islamec and its forerunners (e.g. assassinifil, seljukazyme, ottomanizol) had no market penetration produced strong allergic reactions, though so far no instances of complete rejection. Patients whose metabolism is receptive to Islamec often exhibit irresistible suicidal tendencies.

more here
Posted on 08/09/2007 8:48 AM by John Derbyshire
10 Aug 2007

Sorta medicine sniglets. Nice.

What planet do medicine names come from? "-zam", "-ovir", "-mab"..."-xib"

rofecoxib...roflixecob...refloxemab...roflexibam..remixeflab ???

No matter the permutation, they never appetize.

Case on point (from your more here link): Odonnellex...Edexennol...Xellonnedell

I'm feeling dizzy and nauseous.  It would be time for an icepac?  Ipecac?  I thought it said Icepac.  Oh No!

9 Aug 2007
Send an emailMary Jackson
I'd also like to put in a word for butox.

9 Aug 2007
Send an emailRob
A total hoot. This is what you could have been doing when you were drunk, up in the tree, building that treehouse as a hide-a-way for the indulgence of your sinogynephiliac urges.